Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
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I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
lol