Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
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me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
dogs can find happiness so easily
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
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