When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
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Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Good advice.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
My guardian angel deserves a raise
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
iPhone X
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.