I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
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“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.