When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
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Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls