They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
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today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!