[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
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1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt