i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
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*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Goodnight 🐶
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
A leaf blower, but for people.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Ugh but profoundly
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH