i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
You Might Also Like
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I’m awake but I object,
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
I’m putting together a team
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
me hooking up with my ex
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother