Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
three things we don’t talk about
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.