My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
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Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.