Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
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Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
huge if true: the moon
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?