Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
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*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.