If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
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gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
This is the one
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I feel seen
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Watson was Holmes schooled
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Dance like you’re not the father
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’