I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
You Might Also Like
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
#TopTip
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.