unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
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Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲