I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
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Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Thursday Thought.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom