Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old