How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
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Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.