I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
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I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Whisper out to librarians!
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.