Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
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Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
(more comics:
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
These dogs look like they have good credit.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.