My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
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My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people