I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
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Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.