FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
You Might Also Like
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust