ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
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Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
i actually laughed 😩
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
IT’S-A ME,
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”