I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
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My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.