*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
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Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
This is my favorite one of these!
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
The “baby” on the left….
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.