For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
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[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
That’s fair
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it