A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
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Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Living the best life.. 😊
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots