“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
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Just got to our Airbnb!
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin