Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
You Might Also Like
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
What about a To-Don’t List?
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..