When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
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There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
*puts cutlery down*
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers