Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
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It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Somebody’s lying.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
the simulation is moving too fast
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet