The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
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My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
crazy
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping