mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
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*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
I love wikipedia
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
oppen heimer style lol