Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
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My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
So, can we agree on 4 or
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911