“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
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I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?