No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
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The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Ah yes. The three genders
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.