The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
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My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
See..?
.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
this is funnier than any friends episode
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
I’d rather fork than spoon.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.