Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
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Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Guantanamo Bae
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
This is the one
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.