Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
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Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
mom gave me mine for free
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Breaking news:
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long