If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that