Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
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HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
There’s only one good girl here!
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Hit me in the face with a bird
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.