It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
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support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
What a year we’ve had this week.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending