Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
You Might Also Like
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
When you’re here for the treats.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
#growingpains
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
I needed a laugh this morning.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”