Sunday
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COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
I think they could have phrased this better
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’