If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
You Might Also Like
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Okay me first
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.