If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
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I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
President The Rock Obama
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.