If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
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Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.