I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
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Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.